Serenity Now!!
For the last few days, I’ve been working on an extensive review of the latest parenting book I checked out from the library.
But now I feel like posting it would be one big farce. Today has been an awful parenting day, and I’m just completely overwhelmed with parenting. Who am I to be posting tips on parenting?! So I’m not going to. I’m going to vent and ramble grumpily instead. Because I feel like it. Feel free to stop reading now if you don’t want to listen to whining. Lots and lots of whining.
Finley has been sick since Sunday. I’m not really sure what’s wrong exactly. On Sunday he complained that his head hurt, had a fever, and was laying around all day. It takes a lot to keep him down. He had a fever of 101 yesterday, and was still bouncing off the walls. He also threw up once on Sunday (all of his special formula and everything else consumed in the last 10+ hours… thanks, gastroparesis!). All over my most favorite dry clean only fur blanket from Pottery Barn. I washed it despite the dry clean only warning, multiple times, desperate to get the vomit stench out, but no such luck. Into the trash it went.
Today The Littlest Apple stayed home from Mother’s Day Out because he still has a fever. But other than making him a little extra cranky and whiny, he isn’t really acting sick. And I may have a touch of whatever he has. I really could have used that 5 hours to myself today.
He’s gotten up at 5:30 in the morning for the last 2 days. Ugh! Those days I take naps when he takes his nap, just to make it through the day. Otherwise I’m completely useless by dinner time at 7:15.
We’ve totally regressed in potty training. Accidents left and right. 3 or 4 a DAY, which is more than he had when we began potty training. Thankfully the last 2 days have been better, but it has been extremely frustrating for the last 2 weeks.
Lots of discipline issues too. He’s not listening. One of my biggest pet peeves is not being heard and having to repeat myself, and this alone is a major hurdle for me as a parent. He also runs away from us when we want him to do something (take medicine, get dressed, etc). He’s started this nails-on-a-chalkboard shrieking thing in response to anything he doesn’t like, including but not limited to getting dressed, going to the potty, eating dinner, putting away toys, me touching/moving his toys, turning off the TV, the list goes on and on. We’re trying hard to remind him to use his words, but it is a constant battle.
The Picky Apple and I have been trying all kinds of different approaches for various parenting issues, and nothing is really working. I’m feeling very helpless. Timeout DEFINITELY isn’t working for us. Time IN works on occasion, but that takes some real patience which I seem to be lacking. I bought a timer to use, and that works occasionally: “It’s time to go inside when the timer goes off in 2 minutes, okay?” Sometimes I even let him pick the length of time. There is usually still lots of screaming. I’ve tried saying what he CAN do instead of what he can’t, but I still find myself saying NO STOP DON’T way too often. And he doesn’t listen to any of it.
I’m really struggling. And feeling like a bit of failure. I only have ONE child. I have friends with 2 and 3 kids who seem to be managing multiple kids in addition to work, school, and other big life changes just fine. The Picky Apple and I are BOTH feeling like we can’t handle any more children right now. The “maybe one?” sentiment has turned in to “definitely only one!” We can’t even handle the one we’ve got!
Before kids, I never thought I had a bad temper. I always saw myself as patient and kind, with the occasional bad day and hissy fit. Since The Littlest Apple was born, I’ve developed a temper that I’m always struggling to keep in check. (Gee, I wonder where The Littlest Apple gets HIS temper from?!) And when I fail to keep it in check (like today), it isn’t pretty. I scream, then I feel guilty for screaming, promise myself I won’t do that again. But then it happens again. And again.
Feeding issues are worse than normal since The Littlest Apple is sick, though honestly not by much, because our normal is pretty awful to begin with. (Can you say pity party?) Total Boost consumed today? About 6 ounces. Tonight’s dinner was 3 tiny slices of apple (no peel allowed, lest it be flicked on the floor or spit out), 1 bite of tortilla chip. The rest of the meals have been similarly stellar. At lunch he smushed stuff down with his sippy cup, just for fun and ate none of it. Awesome, right?
On top of that, we’re STILL waiting to get his NG tube placed. Having the tube placement hanging over my head is making me a little crazy as well. Let’s just get ON WITH IT ALREADY!! It’s been a week since I last heard from the nurse, who is supposed to set everything up for us. At that point, she said she was waiting for some of the home health agencies to call her back. I called today to follow up. She said that she can’t find a company to take our insurance. I’m having trouble believing that. In a town as large as Houston, with one of the major insurance providers in the nation, surely SOMEONE will take our insurance. Now she’s supposed to be talking to the Dr. about tube placement at the hospital. That will solve that problem, I suppose, but what about follow up care at home? Will we have to drive the 45 minutes to the children’s hospital (and pay for a hospital visit every time!) any time we need a new tube? I’m about ready to start calling home health companies myself, but that’s a little overwhelming too. And since my child can’t stop screaming long enough for me to make a phone call today (ok, I’m a little bitter), I guess it will have to wait. I hate the waiting.
Since my initial post about the NG tube, we’ve decided to just leave the tube in 24/7 instead of putting it in each night and taking it out in the morning. Even though it might get ripped out occasionally, I think once The Littlest Apple gets used to it, it might be okay. His preschool is okay with the tube, and I don’t want to add an NG tube battle to our nighttime routine right now. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that we’re going to be getting lots of attention when we go out as a result of the NG tube. And that people’s first impression of The Littlest Apple is that he is a sick child and all of the stereotypes that go along with that. I know The Littlest Apple doesn’t care about those things, but I do, unfortunately. And I’m still feeling incredibly guilty about it all. I’m the mother that can’t get her kid to eat enough, and GREAT! now there’s proof for everyone to see in the form of a tube taped to his face (and a constant reminder to myself of my failure to adequately feed my child, in case I ever forget for half a second). I know, I KNOW it’s not my fault, but there is still some Serious Mommy Guilt.
So, that’s why you haven’t seen any great crafts or recipes or home improvement things from me lately. I’m barely keeping my head above water in this big ocean of parenting, pardon the goofy metaphor.
Just so I’m not ending this post on a negative note, here are some things I’m thankful for today:
- new episodes of Glee (hooray!!) and Lost
- my husband, who truly understands what it is like to be The Littlest Apple’s parent
- the margarita ingredients my husband brought home today, knowing I had a rough day
- the delicious Honey Lime Enchiladas I made for dinner
- the beautiful new paint in my bedroom
I’ll be back tomorrow with something happier, okay? Maybe a sneak peak at that beautiful new bedroom paint, and info on a great painting tool I discovered….
I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. No advice…just wanted to give you a comment of encouragement. Hope things get better. Tanya
Wow. I just… I just have so many thoughts running through my mind about everything you wrote, but foremost is that I just seriously wish I could sit and have a glass a wine with you and give you a huge hug! God love ya (I know I do!) for sharing all of this and being so honest and real. Parenting is so incredibly difficult even at the best of times. You ARE a GREAT mom, don’t question that for one second. The yelling, the screaming, the subsequent guilt – it happens to all of us. It happens to me more than I care to admit to myself! I think it’s the type A in us – we like to have things make sense, to keep order, to be consistent. When things (ie kids, doctors) are unpredictable and uncontrollable it makes us feel overwhelmed and, well, a little crazy. I speak for myself on that last bit.
I know the barely-keeping-your-head-above-water feeling you referred to and I am truly sorry you’re going through it now. It’s no fun, BUT it WILL pass. It will! Have faith.
Things that work for me when I’m one second away from tearing down the walls: hide in the bathroom for a few minutes and read the latest Pottery Barn catalog or People magazine you have stashed in there :), inhale a huge whiff of your favorite calming smell – I went to the spa and got one of those aromatherapy rub-on your wrists things, and lastly, find a DVD Finn likes and plunk him down in front of it for a few minutes so you can catch a breather.
Hugs to you. Know that I’m thinking about you and sending you all sorts of positive thoughts. 🙂
Mari-Ann
PS: enchiladas, LOST and margaritas… seriously, were we separated at birth?!
Cara – I had a day like that on Friday. It was AWFUL. I think it’s the age of the boys, it’s so trying… to say the least. I have never lost my cool as many times a day as recently. He just does not listen, or he does, but think he runs the show and screams when I try to tell him otherwise so he doesn’t even hear me when I try to help him calm down. It’s awful 🙁
I’m so so sorry you’re having a difficult time right now. It’s not easy, no matter if you have one or eight kids, honestly.
You’re doing an awesome job. Take deep breaths, and know that tomorrow is a new day. Hope you get some rest tonight and feel better tomorrow!
Tanya: Thank you so much! I appreciate it!
Mari-Ann: I really debated whether or not I actually wanted to hit “publish” on this post. Would it make me sound like a horrible mother? I even made my husband read it first, just to make sure. But I KNOW there are other people out there struggling like this too….or at least I hope there are. It’s hard to share the bad/ugly stuff, and I think that’s why most blogs are full of happy/pretty/creative things, and make it seem like we’ve all got it together and have perfect lives. It can give a false impression though, you know?
Finn definitely got more than his normal share of TV yesterday. I also let him play in the shower with the squeegee for about 30 minutes, while I sat on the floor reading book!
Corinne: I remembered your post from last week when I was writing mine. I knew you would understand!! 😉 It sounds like your Fynn and my Finn are going through some similar stuff right now. I definitely think part of it is the age, and maybe just some really strong personalities!
Last year when I was feeling overwhelmed like this, I got a book called “She’s Gonna Blow!” I’ve never written about it because honestly, I was a little embarrassed that I was so angry with Finley, and that I would need such a book in the first place. But I’ll mention it now in case anyone is looking for some help. It’s a great book!
I had a day like that the Monday before I went back to work. Parenting is so hard sometimes, and I have moments where the only thing that gets me through is knowing that tomorrow is a completely new day, a blank slate. I hope today is going much better but in the meantime, I’m sending you big hugs.
I am so sorry, i hate when things all seem to happen at the same time. Hopefully you will get the tube in place too and that will help a bit. Avery had major regression with potty training at one point and i know that frustration, glad its getting better. Anyway thinking about you all and hope that the good things (ie margaritas!) are making you feel better!!
I am sorry you are having a rough time. My 33 month old is doing many of the things you described. This morning it was a battle to brush his teeth, take his medicine, and put on sun screen. Those things are not optional, but he does cooperate. He makes me feel like I never do anything right. Little things always make him mad. Anyway, I think it is just part of being two. I keep reminding myself that someday I am going to miss this. Try the book Making the “Terrible” Twos Terrific.
I hope things improve.
I completely understand how you feel! And to be perfectly honest, I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who is majorly stressed out by my two year old lately! I’m shocked sometimes at how easily I get annoyed and how quickly I become angry, and I consider myself a pretty patient person…I was a teacher after all. There are days that I feel like I do nothing but yell all day long. Even though I know good and well that Bailey’s stubborn behavior is completely normal for a toddler, it still drives me up the wall! I always tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. Big hugs!
Cassie- I remembered quickly scanning a post on your personal blog last week that sounded verrrrrry familiar. I got distracted before I could comment, but yes, I obviously have days like this too!
Courtney-I’ve heard that potty regressions can happen when there are major life changes going on (ie, new baby, death in the family), or when your kiddo is making major advances in other areas of development. Do you think Avery’s regression is linked to the new baby? (So cute, btw!!) We don’t have any major life changes (not just yet, any way), so I guess I’ll chalk The Littlest Apple’s potty regression to his other developments….language in particular. Or maybe he’s just being stubborn and asserting his independence.
Jenn- It really must be something about this age! Arg!! I’m going to see if the library has that book you mentioned, and if not, I’m ordering it ASAP. Sounds great!
Ricki- It’s good to know that this behavior/stage/awfulness can get to even the most patient of teachers! 🙂 Sometimes I feel like I’m just not patient enough (which is probably true, to some extent.) Maybe it is time to send these kids off to stay with grandparents for the weekend so we can get a much needed break. Hang in there!
Oh, gosh! I wish you lived nearby. I would come steal you for a day. You need it, and I know you need it because I have totally been there.
First of all, don’t feel guilty about ANY of the feelings you are having. They are all very normal. I know I have experienced them many times.
Second, I know it is hard, but do not compare your parenting with that of your neighbors and friends. They are not in your shoes. Also, I am sure they have their own parenting struggles. Things are not always how they appear from the outside.
Third, the first couple of times you take the littlest apple out with his tube are going to be uncomfortable. However, after a couple of times it will feel totally normal. I think it is the unknown which worries you.
Fourth, do not EVER worry about what strangers may think when they see the tube. Truthfully, it really isn’t any of their concern. You know you are doing what is best for your son. That is all that matters.
You are a good person, a good wife, and a good mom. Remind yourself of that and hold your head high.
Take care!
Thank you for posting this, Cara! It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone! Some days are great and happy…some days the WHEELS COME OFF!!!