Good Reads: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, by Kevin Leman

We have been experiencing more and more problems with The Littlest Apple ignoring what we say, having tantrums, and just generally being his strong-willed little two year old self.  I’ve read many a parenting book (and I plan to go back and blog reviews of some about strong-willed children at some point).  Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours, by Dr. Kevin Leman is my latest read, and I found some really great advice in this one.

This book by Kevin Leman is written from a Christian perspective (primarily based on Ephesians 6:1-4), and teaches what Leman refers to as “reality discipline,” which consists of a healthy balance of discipline and respect.  The idea is not to be too permissive and not to be too authoritarian.  (Much easier said than done!)  While aimed at parents of kids of all ages and not just parents of toddlers, I still found plenty of great advice to use with my 2 year old.

Here are the 7 Principles of Reality Discipline that are discussed in detail in this book:

1. Establish a healthy authority over your children. A family is not a democracy.  Parents need to be parents.  Authority needs to be a display of love over power.
2. Hold your children accountable for their actions. Don’t make excuses for your children.  They need to learn about the negative and positive consequences of their actions.
3. Let reality be the teacher. Don’t be afraid to let your kids fail.  Look for teachable moments in the everyday.
4. Use action more than words. Make your expectations clear, but don’t keep repeating yourself.
5. Stick to your guns, but don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Make a decision and stick to it.  You have to be strong and outlast the marathon whining sessions.
6. Relationships come before rules.  Learn who your children really are…what makes them tick.  Teach your children to love others, to put others first, to be givers not takers.
7. Live by your values. Your children learn from watching you.

One of the main techniques that I took away from this book is all about how to use actions instead of words.  This particular technique Leman refers to as “pulling the rug out and let the little buzzards tumble.”  That sounds SO harsh, doesn’t it?  But this really just means to stop throwing empty threats at your children and to actually DO something instead of just listening to lots of whining or tantrums.  The example provided is that when a child complains about dinner (ahem, all you picky eaters!!), you simply dump their food down the garbage disposal.  The idea is that eventually, the child will learn that you aren’t going to mess around.  That’s pretty extreme in my opinion, and I’m not quite on board with the extremes he goes to, but this technique has its merits. At my house, we aren’t going to apply this idea to food as long as The Littlest Apple’s other food issues continue.  BUT I certainly started apply this “pulling the rug out” idea to other things.  When The Littlest Apple does something I don’t like, doesn’t listen, or has a tantrum, I only give him one quick warning before I put him in timeout.  Sometimes no warning at all, depending on the severity of his action (and ok, sometimes my mood too).  No more warning after warning after warning.  That was getting really old, and we weren’t getting anywhere.  Now that I’ve started this new method, The Littlest Apple is starting to listen to directions and warnings a little better.  We’ve still got quite a ways to go though.

There is also a great deal to learn from this book on how to earn your child’s respect.  As Leman points out, you can attempt to discipline your child all day long, but earning their respect is a whole different ballgame, and definitely makes the discipline attempts work a little better.

One caveat:  Leman is in favor of spanking, used sparingly.  I personally am not in favor of spanking ever, so I disagreed with those portions of this book.  That being said, there is still lots to learn here!

Disclaimer: I was not paid to review this book.  It was just a good read that I wanted to share with you! However, the links above are Amazon Affiliate links.